My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
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*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
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I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
dam girl
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated