lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
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ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Cndnsd Mlk
yeah not falling for this one
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what