There is no “we” in pizza
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You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
they finally got him. they got macavity
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.