Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
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I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER