4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
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Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.