me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
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Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.