that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
You Might Also Like
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates