Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
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earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.