chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
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“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.