Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
You Might Also Like
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe