I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
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We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.