A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
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“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes