Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
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#JohnTravolta
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
My birthstone is a marshmallow
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire