I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
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Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.