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[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog