me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
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Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years