11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
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What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat