Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
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Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
idk what he going thru but i feel him
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
plant them where lol
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
How is it still this week?
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends