Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
You Might Also Like
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Gemma Correll
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate