Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
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I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.