[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
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She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.