[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
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Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase