receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
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if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.