My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
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I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
All is fair in drunk and war.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…