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Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.