What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
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A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”