me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
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If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
It has been 3 years since Monday.