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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
This bar smells like my childhood.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
just witnessed a drug deal
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.