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Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
I’ve had relationships like this
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
@funTweeters I am at your service….
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.