Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
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I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.