If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
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over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.