7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
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Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
is this store having a stroke wtf
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?