If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
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Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Tony Hawk, age 6
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
I think I’ll stand
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.