Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
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I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.