Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
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By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
i want to work in this restaurant
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
channeling her this year