I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
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[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Catering service
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)