Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
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Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.