My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
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Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.