Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
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I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.