If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
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Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.