I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
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if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I only treason on days ending in y
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
What about a To-Don’t List?
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
@ candidates for local office
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”