By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
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Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
This week’s mood.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Wait for it
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.