Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
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This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.