Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
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My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Stop it! 😂
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
it is time once again