‘I know a black person’
– White people
You Might Also Like
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
no one ever comes back
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS