fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
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Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
I feel seen
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Stop it! 😂
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.