Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
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Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around