Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
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I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Godspeed, John Glenn
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?