It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
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The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Every work meeting this week
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago