New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
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I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
This raises questions
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Look at this
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Finished stitching this today 😇
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.